What if I told you a restaurant is releasing something called an Espresso Proteini? Which is exactly what it sounds like, an espresso martini with protein added to it. Already this sounds a little gross. And what if I also told you that the restaurant in question is Buffalo Wild Wings and they have infused this new cocktail with their own Buffalo Dry Rub? Some people just want to watch the world burn.
As reported by USA Today, Buffalo Wild Wings is timing the release of their unholy new concoction around March 15th, otherwise known as National Espresso Martini Day. Along with the traditional espresso martini ingredients—vodka, coffee liqueur, espresso, simple syrup, etc—the Espresso Proteini includes 10g of additional protein from the addition of Muscle Milk protein powder. Which is stupid and wholly unnecessary, but like, if you’re going to do it, why add so little protein powder? It’s already going to taste like shit so who cares I’m clearly not in this for the gustatorial qualities, gimme a full 25g scoop.
And if that’s not bad enough, which it most certainly is, Buffalo Wild Wings is kicking things up a notch by adding in the Buffalo Dry Rub they use for their wings. And not just into the drink itself, but a dusting of the stuff on the rim.
The Buffalo Dry Rub Espresso Proteini, which will mercifully only be available at select locations between March 13th and 15th, costs $12, or $20 as part of a six-count boneless wings order. Now, this combination poses an interesting question. The six pieces of all-white meat chicken accounts for somewhere between 30 and 35g of protein, which is not too bad. Thus the question is, given the decent amount of protein, how does the extra 10g in that godawful thing really move the needle? And at what cost? Why not just order a 10 count and a tasty ice cold beer and call it a day?
Not to borrow too many Gen Z terms here, but this isn’t proteinmaxxing. It’s protein slop. The drink certainly seems like the creation of a faulty AI engine given a bad prompt. But it also fits another definition of the term slop, the stuff you put in a trough to fatten up pigs before slaughter. And this is how you get to a dystopian world triangulated somewhere between Idiocracy, Wall-E, and Soylent Green. Buffalo Wild Wings is what plants crave people delicious all-white meat chicken!
Zac Cadwalader is the managing editor at Sprudge Media Network and a staff writer based in Dallas. Read more Zac Cadwalader on Sprudge.
